Could it be?!

Out of the five pirates plus Hal, I've updated my personal blog more recent?

How the hell did that happen? And I don't even have time for it.

I just thought I'd bask in this moment for a minute or two. I always get shit for not updating my blogger. Truth is, I never have anything good to talk about. I'm a procrastinator. We don't make conversation. We invent them in our head and have it with ourselves. Easier that way.

I thought I'd also take this opportunity to say I'm hoping to write 20k each week until my WIP is finished. I have a good start. Three days I've written 12k and hoping to write more tonight.

So how goes it, peeps? How's your word count coming along? Or should we go by page numbers?

Say What

Let's face it. I'm not nearly as witty as my last post. So if you're back to read something worth your time, you've probably stepped into the wrong dimension. I suggest backing up three feet, making a right hand turn, following the gravel road up about 50 paces and going over to the group ship, www.romancewritersrevenge.com

I've been writing lately, which is a testament to how utterly desperate I've been to rekindle my passion for the written word. I got out of the habit of writing everyday, using good excuses like my DH slobbered on my keyboard, my hair is caught in my round brush and I can't get it out, and my personal favorite, we don't have anything to eat in this house- I guess I'm just gonna have to have ice cream once again. I mean, I can come to terms with my procrastination abilities. I have mad procrastination skillz. I've been honing them since I was a baby in the womb. I mean, anyone who can hold out on being birthed for seven days deserves some sort of procrastination award. (That's a prop to you mom. Happy Mom's day. I'll be honoring you with Chinese take out on Sunday.)

So today's lesson in my procrastination is dialogue. I rather suck at it. Lots of people have said I don't, they truly must not know what the word "sucks" means. It's not that suction cup thing you do with your mouth either, Hellion. I'm talking about sloppy, uncoordinated, crap that spews from my fingers to the page. Stuff that doesn't even make sense when you try to read it aloud/out loud (screw it, either one works). So I've taken a lesson from the DH, Mattycakes.

Mattycakes is an accomplished conversationalist. This makes up for my lack of talent in this field of study. Not only can he just walk up to a random person in the mall wearing an Iowa football jacket (No, I'm not going to let it go. You know I was Christmas shopping and in the zone.) and talk to this man like he'd known him all his life (which I'm starting to wonder if not all Iowans aren't introduced at birth so they can hone in on each other while driving down the highway, walking down the street or using the bat signal). He talked to this guy for an hour! AN HOUR! All the meanwhile, I'm running around like a chicken without a head, screeching like a banshee while kicking packages down the tiled mall floors. I crawl back to him, packing packages on my back like a pack horse and these two grin at me like Cheshire cats.

"We're having dinner with Bill and his wife."

Oh, no we're not. "That's nice. Help me get these packages to the car or I'm going to murder someone with my tennis shoe."

Bill looks at me quietly, eyes sorta wider than they were when he witnessed me as a pack horse. "Can you do that?"

Mattycakes says very flippantly. "She's a mystery writer. She thinks she can do anything."

ARGH!

Dinner was very nice. Bill and his wife, Laura, were from Storm Lake, which is someone near Ft. Dodge apparently. Mattycakes remembers going there during the summer. All the while, I'm drinking like a fish, thinking about all the crap I have to wrap. We get home. I pour myself into my chair, presents forgotten in the back of the car.

Mattycakes can talk to anyone about anything. So for me to learn how to write dialogue, I take the Mattcakes class of Diarrhea of the Mouth style of Dialogue. Synopsis of this class would include:

How to make your mate uncomfortable in social situations.
How to walk up to a random stranger and talk for hours on end about Iowa. (Seriously, what the hell is there to talk about?)
How to be witty in awkward situations.
How to laugh at yourself. (Trust me, I have this in spades already.)
How to toss out one liners that make people stop in their tracks.
Acronyms- Making new ones and pushing boundaries.
And last but not least- Being a master of the double meaning.

Now, combine this with my already mastery skill of snark and sarcasm and I would be the ultimate conversationalist. So I've employed a new sort of experiment on my DH (You wouldn't be surprised on how often this occurs in our household.) Instead of trying to get him to push me up against a wall and make out with me (Trust me, I'm still working on it.) I've now started to draw him into weird conversations about stuff that happens in my WIP.

Conversation 1- Let me set the scene. He's just got home from work. I'm chillin' in my chair with my laptop. He drops his gym bag on the floor and flips his shoes off. I get up and follow him into a kitchen. I lean against the wall and watch him at the stove, much like what was happening in the scene I was working on.

"What are you doing here?"

He pauses what he's doing and gives me a sideways glance. "I live here babe. What's it to you?"

I grin and walk into the living room. I record this down like a court reporter.

Conversation 2- I'm sitting in my chair with the laptop, Internet is pulled up. I'm doing a little research on guns. I normally minimize my research, otherwise the DH thinks I'm thinking up ways to get rid of him mafia style.

"What do you think about this one?" I point to the Sub-Compact Beretta. It's a nice gun. 13 round magazine. My heroine could definitely use this one.

Mattycakes gives me a look, puts his hand on my head and leans over me. "This little gun holds 13 rounds?"

"All the better to blow your head wide open dear."

Sadly, he didn't find that as funny as me. Probably didn't put enough sarcasm into that one. Maybe that's not good as a one liner. I dunno.

Conversation 3- Katy Trail. Take One.

"How long do you think it would take before they found a body floating down the Missouri in McBaine?"

"I dunno. Are we contacting the police by Morse code?"

Conversation 4- Katy Trail. Take Two.

"If I were going to meet you down on the trail, where would you suggest?"

Sideways look. "Is this a trick question?"

"I would meet you at bridge 13. That way I can dump you over the edge and you could float down the river. Does that help make up your mind?"

"Yeah. It does. I'd meet you at Stadium and shove you out into traffic."

To which he got the eye roll and a "Yeah. Right. I'd wipe the floor with your ass."
---

So we know he's a spoil sport. But he's good for entertainment value. But he is still clueless so I'm having some fun with that.

So the point of the blog was- well, to talk about dialogue. And to ask, any good one liners you've had in the past that you're using in your WIP? Ever read any good ones that really stuck with you even after you closed the book?

PS. Hal, you're still kicking my ass, but I don't feel bad. I'll catch back up. Sooner rather than later.